Ask the Expert: Sharon Naylor

Q

Dear Sharon, My fiance and I are having a destination wedding that only 7 people will be attending. We are not sending out invitations to the wedding because we really did not care if it was just us two. We told the people that we wanted to come but unfortunately most can't because of the cost and far away location. We will be having a party when we return (I don't know if we will be throwing it or someone else will throw it for us). This will be the event we will send out invitations to. The invitation list will include everyone we would have sent a wedding invitation to if the wedding would have been in our city and will be pretty extensive. Here's the catch - he's never been married and I have. I also have two children. My question is should I register for anything since I'm not actually sending out wedding invites. And if so what is the etiquette for this (ie - china?, linens?, etc.) since this is my second time around? Thanks, Ashley

A

Hello Ashley:

Yes, you absolutely can and should register for gifts! Guests for the wedding celebration will want to know what to get you, and they'll look for your wedding registry. As for it being your second wedding and your groom's first, that whole thing doesn't matter anymore. And why should your groom miss out on the fun and excitement of registering? There's no etiquette to what you can register for -- sign on for whatever you need! Guests invited to just this kind of celebration tell me that they always appreciate having a registry to go to for ideas, since they want to make you happy, and they don't see it as a plea for presents. We're all just so thrilled to have happy events to celebrate in life, that your friends and family will be excited to see you celebrating your wedding to the fullest, not leaving anything out just because you've been married before. This is your wedding together, no numbers attached, so enjoy your registering process and have a wonderful time at your wedding!

Oh, as for the etiquette of letting people know where you're registered, it's best if you create a personal wedding Web site (you'll find free ones out there) and put the link on there. You can then add a note to your invitation that your guests can share your wedding details, see photos from your wedding, and get directions to your post-party at your site. It's the smoothest way to get that registry link to them, as it's still a little tricky to put anything about registries in an invitation for this kind of party (shower invitations are okay for registry notes, but wedding invitations and post-wedding invitations are still on the Don't list if you adhere to the going etiquette standards.)

All the best, Sharon Naylor Author of "The Ultimate Wedding Registry Workbook

Q

Dear Sharon, Our 2 daughters are getting married together in a double wedding ceremony.. they would like their bridal shower to be one together. is there a certain way to do this? we dont have any idea how to do a shower for them together.

A

Their style of shower is going to depend on what each likes. If they agree on one style and color theme, great! But you can beautifully blend two styles in one space as a unique way to pay tribute to both as individuals and make the event unforgettable to guests. For instance, one area of the room can be a sage green and cream garden theme with antique ivory vase centerpieces, while another portion of the room -- or a different room -- can be a bright, sunny yellow and orange color scheme. A third area can combine all of the colors.

Order two smaller cakes, each in the theme and flavor your daughter's love, or provide two separate styles of dessert. One daughter might want a cake, and the other might want a chocolate fountain. The two choices blend together perfectly.

They can take turns with the menu, perhaps one choosing the appetizers, one the entrees, and so on. Or, set up two different buffets with each of the women's favorite dishes.

Have each set of their gifts displayed in different areas, and I do recommend the new trend of a display setup rather than having them open a long, long line of gifts for the guests to sit through. Instead, ask guests to bring their gifts unwrapped, with just a ribbon or bow. The brides will then go down the line and say a word of thanks to each giver. One sister can work through her line of gifts earlier in the party, and the other sister can go later in the party.

They can join in on one style of favor for each guest, perhaps something that shows the dual nature of the wedding, like a dual picture frame or a two-bottle wine caddy.

And of course, you're free to propose a toast to each of your daughter's which would be the perfect touch to this unique and very special shower.

Q

Dear Sharon,

I was recently invited to a wedding of a friend from high school. We are good friends, maybe see eath other twice a year when we are in the area.The wedding shower is next weekend and I went to the gift registry and purchased a pretty significant gift ($100) - My question: is this gift ok to be the only gift I give my friend and her husband, or am I expected to give another gift at the wedding? Is a card at the wedding enough?

A

No, you'll need to give a gift at the wedding in addition to your generous shower gift. You can scale back a little on budget if you wish to, but it would be very bad form to attend a wedding and not give a gift. Remember, it's the relationship between you that lasts long after the wedding, and the bride and groom might worry that they lost your wedding gift if they have no record of one after the celebration.

Sharon Naylor, author of The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette

Q

Dear Sharon,

Both my fiance and I have been married once before, I have a child from a former marriage. We both want no gifts since at our age we have all we want. However, we want to be able inform my family ( who live overseas or out of state) that we would like ( if they want to, not obligated to) give money towards my child's and soon to be, his stepchild's college fund. How would I do this tactfully? I have over 50 mediate family members and I cannot afford to call most of them overseas. Thank you, Second time around

A

Dear Second Time Around:

Lots of couples in your situation say they want no gifts, but that opens the door to a tricky situation for guests. Most would never show up empty-handed to a wedding, so they do want some guidance about what to get you. Since what you'd most like is a fund for your children, you're entering into a very new topic in registry world. Some people take offense at financial registries, while others applaud the innovation of it. A financial registry is, after all, a wise move for the future.

So here's what I suggest: set up two registries -- one traditional (with a moderate number of gifts you can actually use) and then a second registry for the financial thing. Some banks offer financial registries that give the bride and groom an option of designing it for a home downpayment, an education fund, or even investments like CDs and bonds. I recently heard about a new program that's been created only for Education Registries -- the bride and groom can sign on for gifts that would cut down their student loans, allow them to get higher education, or set up education funds for their children. I haven't researched these individually yet, so I can't suggest a particular one.

Do some research, check with the Better Business Bureau on any plan you find, and choose well. As far as letting guests know, especially those overseas guests, sign on for a personalized wedding Web site [you can find free ones at bridal sites] where you can share your story, photos, and links to your registries, and then e-mail a link to your site to all of your guests with a note for them to share your excitement and wedding plans. Again, guests want to know where you're registered, and etiquette still stands that you can't tell people what to get you. But if you set up a special registry like these, it gives your guests an *option* of what to get you. You've declared your wishes, followed etiquette, and many guests will be pleased to follow your direction.

All best wishes~

Sharon Naylor

Author of "The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette"

Q

Dear Sharon,

I'm completely flabbergasted after having received a wedding invitation from an attorney I have used in the past. I don't even know his wife or the child that is getting married and feel that this invitation is completely inappropriate. Must I send a gift or just a note of good luck? Mary

A

Hello Mary,

You're right -- if you don't have a current working or friendly relationship with this attorney, then the invitation was inappropriate for them to send. Some people see a wedding as an opportunity to business-network and spread the net for additional wedding gifts from those who feel obligated to send a present. You don't have to send a gift at all...just a note of thanks for thinking of you, and best wishes extended for his daughter's happiness is all that's needed here. Best of luck to you!

Sharon Naylor Author of "The Essential Guide to Wedding Etiquette"

Q

Dear Sharon,

Two Questions....

Is it appropriate to OPEN a wedding gift prior to the wedding (of course without using it)? And secondly, I assume that thank you's are never sent until AFTER the actual ceremony. Please respond.

A

Yes, you can open your wedding gifts prior to the wedding. Most people do, and they sometimes create a display in their homes (to add to their own excitement level). This allows you to get a jump on all those thank you notes you'll need to write, personalizing each to mention the gift and how you'll use it. And yes, wedding gift thank you notes are sent after the wedding, the sooner the better.

Sharon Naylor, author of The Bride and Groom Thank-You Guide and 30 additional wedding books.

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