inviting married guests

I’m in a dilemma! Need help!

I know that it’s a Do to invite the partners of guests who are married. However, we can only invite a few people to our wedding. Many of my coworkers are married, and if we’d invite their husbands, too, we would be over the limit! On our RSVP card, we have decided to write in “We have reserved 1 seat for you.” I know the uninvited coworkers may feel hurt for not being invited, but how about those married guests who can’t bring their husbands with them? What am I to do? Or how can I explain it to them?

Please help!

Hi 2010bride and welcome to the forums!

Are you limited in the number of people you’re inviting due to cost per person or the space at your venue?

If it’s due to the cost per person, is there any way you can cut back in order to include spouses? For example, serve sheet cakes instead of a tiered cake or have a buffet instead of seated dinner, or skip the expensive alcohol?

Honestly, and I know it’s not what you’re going to want to hear, I don’t think there is any way to tell someone their spouse isn’t invited without lots of hurt feelings. People get really upset when their children aren’t invited to an adults only reception—I can only imagine the results of not inviting a spouse!

Because you have to work with these people, it may be best to invite your boss+spouse and (if you have just one or two) a working partner+spouse and leave it at that; people are more understanding about the “invite the boss/partner” issue versus picking and choosing certain people out of the whole office and then not inviting their spouse on top of it.

Depending on your office politics, I realize the situation above may not be ideal. In that case, and if you truly are strapped as far as # of invites, then I’d suggest not inviting anyone from the office. Simply explain that you re-thought your original plans and have decided to plan a small, intimate wedding for family and close friends only.

Perhaps someone else has a better suggestion that I haven’t thought of; hopefully you can find an idea that keeps you and your coworkers happy.

Good luck with paring down your guest list!

Thanks for your reply, Amy.

We’re limited to the number of people we’re inviting because of the space at the venue. We were doing ok with the # of guests in the early weeks of writing our guest list, but recently, after the announcements have been sent out, his mom has added some guests. They’re close to his family, so I can’t object to that. And the funny thing is, while doing a final count last night, I forgot to include the both of us! he he he. I added the husbands back to the count, and we’re up to 149, where the max is 150!

Thanks for the suggestions and I will keep that in mind. We’ll just hope the guest list won’t get longer before we send out the invitations.

-2010bride-

2010bride,

Thanks for clarifying a few things!

If you’ve sent announcements out to certain people, then you can’t really un-invite them now.

I’d definitely let his parents and your parents know that the guest list is FINAL, period, and that’s that. Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to put your foot down. While a few people may RSVP “no,” you can’t bet on that and invite too many over your limitation. You could get charged a lot extra for going over; not to mention, get in trouble if the number of guests exceed the reception hall’s fire capacity.

Good luck!

Thanks, Amy.

I have talked to my fiance about our final guest list. He completely understands and very understanding about it.
Didn’t think inviting guests would be this complicated!

Thanks again!

Hi 2010bride, we’re glad you’re here!

Paring down the guest list is always a challenge, particularly when you have a smaller venue. If you have the budget for it, you might consider having a more casual party later after the wedding, either after you return from your honeymoon or just a month or two later, after you’ve settled in, and you can invite your coworkers and other guests to that. It wouldn’t be the same as a wedding reception, but you could throw like a backyard barbeque or house party and decorate with wedding photos and such so they can meet your husband and celebrate with you. Of course, the etiquette of such an after party is a bit different (no gifts expected, for example), but it could be a fun way to celebrate with your other acquaintances. For that guest list, if it is something you’d be interested in, you naturally wouldn’t need to invite out of town guests or anyone who was able to attend the wedding, though you might extend an invitation to someone who had other circumstances that prevented them from being at your wedding.

Congrats, and again, welcome!

Hi 2010bride, Welcome to the forums!

The guest list can certainly be frustrating. I agree that etiquette-wise, the best thing is to invite spouses, but if the issue is space and you are already maxxed out I can see how you really can’t invite any more people at this point.

I do like the suggestion of possibly having a more casual get-together later, and including spouses for that, but even if you decide not to or are unable to because of budget, don’t get too stressed.

I recently read a story from Modern Bride about a bride who was extremely inclusive in her wedding list (because she didn’t want anyone to feel left out). The problem was, she ended up focusing on inviting so many people, she actually left 3 people off the guest list she and her husband were fairly good friends with! There weren’t any hard feelings from those she ended up not inviting, though, which was the good thing. Many people understand the difficulties surrounding wedding planning, and if anyone questions you about the limited invites or not inviting spouses, honesty is the best policy. Just explain the space issue and then tell them you understand if they decide not to attend without their spouse.

Best of luck, and glad to have you at the forums!

Thanks everyone for all your suggestions and advice.

Since my fiance won’t be able to invite many of his coworkers, we are considering throwing a more casual party at our house once we get settled, maybe a week or two after the wedding.
As for my married coworkers, I’m leaning towards the idea of explaining to them the space issue and I would understand if they wouldn’t be able to come without their spouses but we would really appreciate it if they would come. I hope that won’t cause any hard feelings, especially right now our guest list has become longer :( Having my parents inviting a distant relative.

Thanks a lot! Now I feel less stressed and frustrated