Everybody loves a great wedding, right? We all jump for joy the minute we open up the invitation and realize that we have been invited to a wedding. But it's not long until the major bummer realities of someone else's happy day start to bite you on the you-know-what.
1. They Eat Your Life Savings
Oh sure, let us just open up our bank accounts so that you can collectively suck them dry with the cost of getting to your wedding, staying at some fancy-schmancy hotel, and buying a dress that we'll never wear again in a month of Sundays. And if sending our finances into dizzying anarchy thus far isn't bad enough, you also bleed us dry by forcing us to splurge on ridiculously useless wedding gifts when, quite frankly, you should be giving us a present to say sorry for causing our financial ruin.
2. They Last an Eternity
The carefully planned welcome cocktail party, the rehearsal dinner, the pre-wedding breakfast, the ceremony, the reception, the dinner, the snore-worthy speeches, the disco, the never ending afterparty. Listen up! This isn't a triathlon! We just came for a nice wedding. We don't want to leave needing to sleep for five thousand years to get over it.
3. There Are Too Many of Them
Guess what, apparently there's no such thing as wedding season anymore because *NEWSFLASH* - it's now always wedding season. These days, you can't even take a step without tripping over a wedding invitation - Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter - it's all fair game and yes, you are expected to attend every single one, leaving you feeling as frenzied as a mule chewing on a bumble bee as you kiss the rest of your social life goodbye.
4. You Never EVER Have Anything to Wear
You can't wear this, you musn't wear that, there's no way you can fit into your ol' trusty anymore, and argh! You've already worn that other dress to a bajillion weddings and someone's bound to notice! Hey, if the bride thinks she has a problem deciding what she's going to wear on the big day, she needs to spare a thought for you.
5. Everyone Asks You When You're Getting Married
Not married already? Welcome to hell. Otherwise known as every wedding you attend ever, where those bloodthirsty marriage vampires will be feverishly seeking out all those with ringless fingers and swooping down on them with the dreaded words, "So, when are you getting married?" until their need for annoying meddling and judgement is finally sated.
6. Speeches That Suck Eggs Like an Old Granny
Great speeches are the stuff of movies, but let's face it - this is real life - and in real life, most wedding speeches leave you chewing your forearm in despair. So cringe-worthy you'd rather take a bath full of fire ants, so boring and torturous you'd rather watch grass grow, and as for all those insufferable in-jokes, please stop before we are forced to punch you in the throat.
7. Throwing of the Bouquet Torture
Seriously, could there be a single event more embarrassing on this planet than the throwing of the bouquet? Are you supposed to act like you didn't know it was happening? Suppress your disgusting urge to elbow everyone out of the way to make it yours? Run from the room like it was on fire? Whatever you choose, there can be nothing more torturous than being part of this jaw-droppingly ridiculous spectacle. It's humiliation at its finest.
The words excruciating and distressing might not be the first words that spring to mind when an invite to one of these happy occasions arrives, but digging a little deeper... now we're not so sure.